I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
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I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
happy valentine’s day to me
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in