I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
You Might Also Like
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW