I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
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I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!![]()
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
10/10 no notes
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Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree![]()