I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
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There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.