I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
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If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.