I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
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Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.