“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
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Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
I really had high hopes for this year though
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?