I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
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me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.