I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
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I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Bobby pin
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders