I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
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My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
another case of gang violins
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.