I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
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My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.