I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
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Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
I love reading newspaper websites. The screen refreshing on its own 3 times in quick succession, the text disappearing halfway down the article, a random video advert suddenly filling the screen, the whole page unexpectedly closing for no reason. Great experience.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport