Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.

asked my bf how work was today

she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds

Cop: have you been drinking?

Stork: no

Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg

Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with

Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’

sensitive skin

Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up

All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!

I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”

All is not a trick question. Apparently

Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.

You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder

*sticks hand into jean pocket*

Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?

*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*

Oh, ok.

[being seated for blind date]

her: have you ever been on one of these before

me: yeah I love chairs

Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.

Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this

Therapist: actually you absolutely are

I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….

You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.

WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work

ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does

Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons

If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.

Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.

Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.

*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no

Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?

Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.

BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*

I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.

8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those

Me: To strangle your coworkers

8yo: What?

Me: Huh?

If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.

But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.

Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…

when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test

Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*

Me: what are you-

Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!

Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!