I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
You Might Also Like
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.