@Pork_Chop_Hair

I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.

You Might Also Like

@iwearaonesie

*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me

@KimmyMonte

Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean

@broken_rhi

A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.

@Home_Halfway

“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator

@thepunningman

“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”

“They all called to say they’re running late”

@NottaBigDeal

There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.

@BuckyIsotope

“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.

@murrman5

*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”

@TheMandiEm

When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power

@TheAlexNevil

Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT