I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
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I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.