I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.

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*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me


Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean


A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.


“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator


“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”

“They all called to say they’re running late”


There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.


“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.


*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”


When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power


Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills