“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
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“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….