I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
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Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
my one true gender