I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
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Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
This is the best one I’ve seen
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.