I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
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[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?