Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:

“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”

The princess and the pea

But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus

Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.

[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]

My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.

I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!

I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.

“Listen to your body”

My body: you’re 42, sit tf down

My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.

She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.

I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.

I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’

“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”

Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?

Leave this on his windshield.

Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.

Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.

Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.

Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.

Clients after you give them your rates

[at the movies]

me: thank god it’s over

her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog

Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway

I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”

“They grow up so fast.”

– Me, looking at my problems.

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!

“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “

Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.

Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.

My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?

It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.

The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.

friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection

[later]

guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?

me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way

You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.

I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.

Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax