I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
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Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
man: wait
time: no
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby