@PinkCamoTO

I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.

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@SmithWit

Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.

@Floatersfinest

I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’

@NikiWithIssues

Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.

@squirrel74wkgn

Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.

[8 hours later]

Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.

@briangaar

“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM

@smiles_and_nods

Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.