Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.

I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms

If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.

my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no

Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.

I get into bed.

Husband is already asleep.

I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.

Marriage is fun.

If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.

[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille

about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day

“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game

*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*

if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain

Answering: How are you?

“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return

“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions

“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀

When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos

“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”

– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology

As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.

Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.

*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*

There. That should keep ’em out.

boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities

me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room

I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.

This made me chuckle.

[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain

Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻

My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.

This egg could use more egg

– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce

[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”

*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby

Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids

[working in a nail salon]

Me: How short would you like me to bite them?