I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
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Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.