I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
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Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
There is wisdom there.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.