Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!

PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:

SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.

[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]

DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole

CONTESTANT: what?

[hole opens in the ground]

The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.

What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?

When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow

If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.

my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me

The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.

16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.

26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.

36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.

I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea

[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?

Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that

The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher

HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-

ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS

College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?

Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.

Leia: You owe child support.

Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.

Leia: You’re standing right here

Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”

*45 minutes later*

Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”

Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁

So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”

Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.

“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.

When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:

‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’

If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.

In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.

If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second

[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”

Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m at 6%

professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger

*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *

Why does everyone on this bus hate me?

I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.