Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
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I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
There is no “we” in pizza
me after eating Cheetos
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.