I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.

Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.

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Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me


I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.

Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.


indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure

idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again


TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.


Me: “Breath mint?”

Her: “Sure.”

M: “Don’t mean to offend.”

H: “None taken.”

M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”


“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*


It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up


[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.


Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.