@osoplain Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
@imdaintyaf I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
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@osoplain 
@shanethevein I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
@TheHyyyype indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
@Thing_Finder TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
@nevernicethings Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
@Death_Buddy ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
@iscoff It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
@Midgetspar Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
@Reverend_Scott Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.