I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
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[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
I wonder if I鈥檝e seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
If you feel like you鈥檙e about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Need some quiet time this Mother鈥檚 Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don鈥檛 worry there鈥檚 plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor鈥檚 natural swimming pool for a little excitement
馃槵
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn鈥檛 have any
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they鈥檙e dead.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again