Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Huge, if true.

WHEN CATS ARE SAD

Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.

I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.

[before horsepower was invented]

car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons

everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg

My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea

ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally

ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows

AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)

What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.

Talking to funeral home director:

Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”

MIL: “Let go of me!”

He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”

Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.

The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.

in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting

I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.

What can I say, I really loves them big feet.

i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it

Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.

this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭

me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee

drive-thru person: how many coffees?

me: one please

Wins the Internet today. Night, all…

Why? Just why? 😂

ㅤ

Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one

“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.

-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book

Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.

“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.

0/10 stars, would not recommend.”

– Super Mario Bros. Online review

Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…

…speaking for my kids, this checks out.

Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.

~Me to me

I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.

JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume

To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.