I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
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I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
💁🏻♂️
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week