“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
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I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
#gardening
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*