I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
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Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.