Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
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I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.