I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.

And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.

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It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.


To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR



“don’t let her know ur from twitter”

Her: whats wrong?

Me: This fork only has 3 prongs

Her: So?

Me: it should be called a threek


When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit


My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.


I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.


Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me


Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?


At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.


KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.