@Kadayo_Takamini

I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.

And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.

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@3sunzzz

It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.

@WheelTod

To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR

@Proxic0n

[date]

“don’t let her know ur from twitter”

Her: whats wrong?

Me: This fork only has 3 prongs

Her: So?

Me: it should be called a threek

@CatsVsHumanity

When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit

@copymama

My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.

@PopeAwesomeXIII

I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.

@david8hughes

Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me

@antheanton

Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?

@ValeeGrrl

At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.

@jwoodham

KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.