I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
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Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”