i’m so old i’m almost back in style
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Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.