I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
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I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
How about daylight saves us for once
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
🙋♀️
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?