I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
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BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie