I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
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I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
And then there were 4
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Breaking news:
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet