“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
You Might Also Like
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
#StillHurts
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.