I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
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Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.