“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
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gentlemen, hear me out
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
🤣🤣🤣
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.