I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.

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me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye


I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.


I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….


If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”


Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.


Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”


The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.


When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.


I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.