I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
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Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
A woman drives into a bar.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Previously On Persistence 😎
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”