@samalmightysam

I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.

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@DiGiorno

Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY

@Kyle_Lippert

Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.

@Browtweaten

Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?

Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot

@dumbbeezie

I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details

@PleaseBeGneiss

[first day as marriage counselor]

HER: we’re trying to have a baby

ME: ok I’ll step outside

@KyleMakesStufUp

How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk

@JohnCleese

Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it

@MelvinofYork

Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.