@FatherWithTwins

I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.

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@wendchymes

We’re having lobsters for dinner .

Update – we have pet lobsters now

@Julian_Deane

Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.

@ChaseMit

“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.

@JasonLastname

They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.

@NikiWithIssues

If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.

@BraandoCommando

Me: it hit me completely out of the grey

Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?

Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes

@bdbdleeroybrown

I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”

@Darlainky

You know what else is crazy?

*googles synonyms for crazy*