@radtoria “Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
@Book_Krazy I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
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@radtoria 
@TheCatWhisprer Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
@rancheroni [preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
@DeanB15 I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
@KentWGraham It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
@CatherineLMK “I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
@TragicAllyHere I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
@dubstep4dads “haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
@Sal_Stevens Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
@FrankCurtisB I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.