I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
You Might Also Like
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Seems legit
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”