I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
You Might Also Like
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
The Punning Dead.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.