I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
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My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice