I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
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Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah