“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
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*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Denise please return my vape pen
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty