“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.

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I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”


I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.


“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know


Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!

Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised

Me: *continues eating


when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week


The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.


Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met



I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”