I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
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Still laughing at this stupid meme
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
whatcha thinkin bout
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored