i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
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Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
My time has come.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
🙀🙀🙀😹
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened