I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
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my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.