I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
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I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”