I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
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LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
me when the borders lift
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.