I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
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I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
I think I’m having a stroke
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.