“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
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[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Rambo Rambow
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
A classic…
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
do u think theres a butter planet?
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
January is lasting longer than my marriage