“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
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A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
no refunds
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.