I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
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A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.