I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
You Might Also Like
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.